Apostles Church

Eph 5:18-33. In the Garden of Eden God performs the first marriage, gives away the bride. They become one flesh: intimacy, exclusivity, permanence. Hearts bent toward one another. Sin enters, shatters all of this, so there is a loss of all three. At the heart of it is self-focus that demands one’s own way and pursues one’s own pleasure. In Gen 3:16 God says that their marriage will now be a  power struggle – each heart bent toward self, demanding own way/pleasure. Marriages grow weak and fail because of this sinful self-focus. At root of all conflict. But the beauty of the Gospel is that Jesus is restoring all that was lost in the Garden, bringing everything together. Eph 1:10 NLT: “And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth.” This includes marriage. The Gospel of Jesus is our hope for establishing, healing, and strengthening of marriages.

The Gospel provides a radically different pattern for marriage. Not self-focus, but mutual submission, 5:21. Marriage is a parable, intended to image forth the relationship of Christ with his Church. This is God’s ultimate purpose in giving us the gift of marriage (v33). In this parable, the husband is the Christ-portraying figure and the wife is the Church-portraying figure. How these two figures interact is to show the world something about Jesus and how he treats his people and how his people are intended to respond to him. So, Christ/Church relationship is the pattern for the marriage. It provides the blueprint for how each person in the marriage is to approach and respond to the other. That blue print is mutual submission. We hear the word submit in v. 22 – wives get defensive (word to the wives) and husbands get demanding. But there is mutual submission. Husbands: don’t miss the bigger picture. You are called to submission as well - to fully surrender self for the good of your wife. Don’t misunderstand headship.

Headship – Not a right to rule, but a responsibility to bear. You are the one with ultimate accountability. “Adam, where are you?” You are ultimately accountability.  Verse 24, “in everything.” This means you are accountable for everything. Illus: RACI Matrix. You are the “A” on every aspect of your marriage – intimacy, finances, your communication, teaching your children. And, you are the “R.” The wife shares the “R” with you, but you are primarily accountable and responsible. Doesn’t mean we make every decision, but that we are accountable to God for creating an environment in our homes where there are clear convictions and a pattern of interaction where shared decisions can take place. Men, YOU ARE THE “A” ON THE MARRIAGE. Jesus, shows up, knocks on the door, “I would like to speak to your husband, please.”  Singles - Women: “Would I entrust the health and quality of my future marriage to this man? Is he fit for that responsibility” Men: "Am I becoming the kind of man who is ready to accept account/responsibility for a marriage?” How is this responsibility lined out?

Love Your Wife. …as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her. This requires that you fully surrender yourself for her good. Christ fully surrendered himself, gave himself up for her. “Gave himself up.” Love her selflessly and sacrificially – we say to our wives, “I will give myself up completely - my will, my desires, my comforts to secure your good and your joy, putting your needs before my own.” This is the pattern of Jesus. He shows this love by Nourishing and Cherishing her. Meets her needs; provides for her physically and spiritually – promoting her spiritual growth in that because of your love and leadership she is more what Jesus died for her to become; He Pastors his wife. Protects her and honors her above all other people and priorities. NOT Tyranny – bully their wives; controlling, manipulative, oppressive, easily angered so that wife/kids walk on egg shells; demanding and easily offended when demands are not met; aggressive (passive aggressive); often abusive, threatening and even inflicting harm verbally or physically upon their wives. You can tell a tyrant by the countenance of his wife and the way he looks at his wife. (young women, beware of a man who speaks harshly to his mom or sisters). Apathy – disengaged, cold, not affectionate, silent, uninvolved, detached. Comes home, sits on the couch, watches TV, doesn’t look his wife in the eye and listen to her. Doesn’t try to understand her or learn more about her; doesn’t show interest in the details of her life. Doesn’t seek to serve her. Doesn’t take responsibility for his home, for the relationship, for the children. Are you on this spectrum?

Tyranny and Apathy are nothing like the pattern of Jesus. You are misrepresenting him and He is offended by your treatment of your wife. He demands that you love, nourish, and cherish your wife in this way for her good and for his Name. Jesus does not demand of us what he has not already done for us. You must see Christ giving himself up for you, submitting himself to death so you could be forgiven of your tyranny and apathy and have the resources to love, nourish and cherish your wife like he has loved, cherished and nourished you by giving himself up for you. Forgive/patience/gentleness/compassion with her as Christ has been.

And if you love this way, you will adorn your wife and increase your own joy. 5:26-28 in the Message. 25-28 “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church—a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ's love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out of her, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They're really doing themselves a favor—since they're already "one" in marriage.” “Everything he does and says brings the best out of her.” Christ presents the bride to himself for his joy. He has bound his joy up in his bride. Husbands, you are one flesh with your brides. Mysteriously your life is bound up in hers. When you love her like Christ loves the church, giving yourself up for her, giving her the respect and love and affection you give to no other, you adorn her, bring the best out of her and increase your own joy. Single Women: This is why you must marry a follower of Jesus; Men: you must become this kind of man, one who can adorn a women.

The Gospel Provides a Radically Sufficient Power for Marriage. 5:18. Be filled with the Holy Spirit. As we cooperate, the Spirit works within to subdue our flesh, free us from selfishness, and work love in our hearts. He is the Spirit of love. Christ gives us the pattern and the Holy Spirit gives us the power to walk in that pattern. He fills us with new motivations, affections, and capacities to love this way and love this “IN THE MOMENT”.

How to Start: Reflect on how Christ has loved you (the pattern). Repent to your wife for how you have failed to love her. Ask your wife what she needs from you. Resolve to give it to her. Depend upon the Holy Spirit for the capacity to walk in that pattern. Tell other men you are working on this and have them hold you to it. (Men’s Retreat)
Communion: Bryant has been one of those men who has modeled this for us.